NERVES

I'VE GOT A GOLDEN TICKET!

(will explain in blog)

A few weeks ago, maybe a month but not exactly sure, Gordo, Denny and myself got up to do a pretty decent workout. We were going to ride from G's house up to Switzerland trail and then lock the bikes while we ran the 15 mile loop and then ride back. I had never been up to the trail so I didn't know what the ride would be like and I had never done the run so that would be foreign for me as well. I remember the night before the workout feeling "tense" about it. Part of it for me is waking up early for big workouts. I always fear I am not going to get enough sleep. Another part of it was that running at that point was still "fresh" due to the injury. But the final part, and most ridiculous part was "Can I even do this workout?"

Why would my mind entertain the thought that I couldn't do the workout? I train with Gordo and Denny all the time. What is it that all of a sudden my mind thinks that they will be able to do something that I will not? Or that all of a sudden my fitness is going to be so far behind theirs? I thought long and hard about this and came up to the conclusion that it was based on the "unknown" factor. The issue was that I didn't know the ride, I didn't know the run and I wasn't sure if I could run that far as I hadn't in a long while.

I back up my findings on this issue by looking back on other days where I had a large "unknown" element. The Wiggins ride came right to mind. I had no idea of the route and wasn't sure I could ride 155 miles. All said and done the ride was awesome and I gained alot from doing it but none the less I had "nerves" about it during the first bit and days prior. Our Winter Park trip rang true as well.

Another area of "unknown" factors causing stress is when I go to a race where I don't know the course. Hawaii 70.3 was a perfect example. I knew the swim and the bike and both those areas did not worry me. But with the run there was no way to go over the course prior because it was highly complicated and that caused me "stress." The problem is that the stress I experience causes irrational thoughts like "I can't run that far or that fast."

Having stress before races is often part of doing well. If you are able to manage it you can often use it to your advantage. Many times it is just your body gearing up to race really well. It is when the stress becomes overwhelming that you need to take action. The other day I needed to take some serious action! I think the first real sign was when I found myself on my hands and knees scrubbing the kitchen floor. Can you say "Mommy Dearest?" It is a good thing I don't have a daughter named Christina!

I had mentioned before that I went through a period of my life where I was plagued with pretty intense panic attacks. If you have never experienced one it is almost impossible to explain or get a real understanding of it. The main issue with them is that they tend to cause a cycle that is very hard to break out of. Once the cycle starts you stop focusing on what has "caused" the anxiety/panic but rather you are focused on how you feel. Many of those feelings are very uncomfortable that mimic "impending doom" and cause a sensation of what I would call "Raw Fear." Those feelings are accompanied by actual physical feelings as well. Bottom line, IT SUCKS and it feeds off of itself making it very hard to turn around.

So last week I had noticed that my stress level was going up. I know myself well enough to see the signs. I didn't intervene and just kept being stressed. It blew up in my face and a few days ago I woke up at 5am in a state of panic. I wasn't running around screaming like a chicken with its head cut off. All I was doing was lying there. I felt the panic coming and thought "Oh great." Having gotten over this panic crap I knew that the first thing to do is to NOT react to it. Your animal instincts that we all have make you want to fight it. But in reality you have to ignore it. Proof that it is not easy to do is that many people that have a panic attack end up in the emergency room. I should know because years ago when they first started that is exactly where I went. You feel like you might die....or go insane. FUN!

So there I was sitting in the bed at 5am totally still with a heart rate that I WISH I could attain on a bike and skin that felt like it was on fire or something. Knowing how to deal with it I just went back to all the skills that it I learned years ago. It was harder though because my mind kept going to "I have an Ironman in less than one week! What if I have a panic set back and can't shake this? I am going to blow it. I can't make this stop etc etc..." The "what if" cycle is the fuel to the fire and I wasn't doing a good job of breaking it.

I also knew that part of the way to break it is to distract yourself. I had said that I would go to the swim workout at 8 am. But part of me didn't want to go because I didn't want to be around anyone feeling like that. I just wanted the feeling to go away and THEN I could go do what I needed to do, like workout. Well that is just not the way this thing operates. You have to feel the fear and do it anyway. There was nothing about swim practice that I was afraid of so there was no reason not to go. The reason I had for not going was, "I can't go with this feeling." I went anyway and of course I swam fine. What is interesting is that the guys on the team could tell something was up. Panic takes your personality away. I just told them I wasn't feeling great. I didn't want to go into it like I am right now.

The swim made me feel a bit better. Exercise always helps burn off the cortisol and other chemicals your body is producing to create the panic. I went back and ate some food and then found the feeling that never really went away build back up. Marky V had said he would do my ride with me. It took alot of effort to get out the door as I wanted to sit at home again until it went away. Wrong answer!

Once out the door I started to feel much better. Often times if your mind thinks you are doing something that is working towards curing the cause you find yourself to calm down. Well my main cause was most likely my Ironman and riding would be the solution because your mind thinks you are doing something to make that task easier. Make sense?

Marky V had mentioned he was having a stressfull day as well. He wasn't experiencing anything like I was but none the less he was stressed. It was good to hear (not that I want him to be stressed) because it makes you realize that everyone gets stressed. In a way it helps rationalize an irrational mind. So we chatted and kind of tried to work our stuff out....

As I rolled back to the house I felt great but as soon as I got off that bike the feelings crept back in. I had received a text from Denny saying that our "Team Night" was on. We were going to meet the girls on Siri's squad out for dinner and some drinks. I am finding that these guys really do know me because I had gotten a call from Justin making sure I was dragging my butt out. It was as if they knew something was wrong and that I wouldn't show. And I probably wouldn't have.....

Once out I had those familiar thoughts of "Damn everyone here is having fun and chatting and I am sitting with this horrible feeling racing through me." That is how it is. You look normal on the outside and feel like a train wreck on the inside. But I tell you what, the number one way to break this cycle is to get out and be around people and let "it" go. And that is exactly what I did. And it worked.

I'm still "nervous" but I got out of that cycle and now that I am out of it I am able to make sure I am in control of my thoughts. While it seems panic comes out of the blue, there is no doubt that it is coming directly from your thoughts. This is where the picture I put on here comes in.

That workout that I mentioned I did with Gordo and Denny at the top of this Blog is part of my plan to control my thoughts before the Ironman. Gordo had told Denny and I that he had a treat for us after the run. Well once finished the three of us were sitting up there in the mountains and he pulled out the chocolate bar. There was nothing particularly special about the chocolate bar as Gordo has a ton of them at the house. I sat there in the most refreshing silence with the three of them thinking about what a great workout that was for me. I had the best runners high, the sun was out, the hills were green and I was with two people whose company is always a pleasure. Gordo and Denny ate their bar and I just looked at mine. I had decided that I would save it and keep it as a reminder of the day. At Hawaii 70.3 I got this really nice "Umeke" bowl as an award for winning my division. I came home and put my chocolate bar in the bowl deciding that I would collect things that positively reinforced my training and ability up until the Hawaii Ironman.

Going back through all the things in the bowl helps me remember workouts. I don't keep a strict training log. But I can tell you EVERY detail about any workout that is attached to the items in the bowl. To me that is the point. We journal to remember and there is no way that I can possibly write everything that goes through my overactive mind. So I collect things that bring it all back!

Peter Reid once said to put your faith in the training. If you have done the work you just need to show up and let the body go. Obviously and Ironman takes some amount of thinking in the race, but you get the point. From now until Saturday it all about that bowl. I have a ton of things that remind me of my training. The race is supposed to be the reward for collecting all those things!

So there ya have it. A little insight into pre race nerves or straight up panic. Thanks so much to the Good Guys! We have a kick ass team going lets keep it rolling. I can't WAIT to post the pic of us all in the new swim suits :-)

Cheers,

bdc